


If I look back, I am lost

by zahra0110



Category: MacGyver (TV 2016)
Genre: 4x09 fix it, Angst and Feels, F/F, F/M, Mention of abuse, macriley
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-16
Updated: 2020-06-16
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:34:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,694
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24746155
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zahra0110/pseuds/zahra0110
Summary: 4x09 ending fix it-Takes place right after Riley saves the day and  Peyton gets arrested.
Relationships: Riley & Kai, Riley Davis & Angus MacGyver (MacGyver TV 2016), Riley Davis/Angus MacGyver (MacGyver TV 2016)
Comments: 25
Kudos: 117





	If I look back, I am lost

**Author's Note:**

> i don’t know what the fuck this is lmao sorry about that. All I can say is that I rewatched 4x09 and the only thing for this episode to be a 10/10 was a proper Macriley scene and this idea would simply not get out of my head so i just had to write it. I loved Kai and Peyton and I hope we’ll see them again in the show, my bby riley deserves more girl friendships.  
> The title is a quote from Game of Thrones.  
> There are probably many plot holes in this but it’s 4 am and i was just too lazy to care dhsjsk enjoy

Mac and Russ had just joined Riley and Desi when some agents arrested Peyton. 

Mac immediately turned to look at Riley to see how she was holding up but she wasn’t next to Desi anymore. And neither was Kai.

He then saw Riley holding her friend’s hand and dragging her away from the agents.

He followed them and couldn’t help but eavesdropping as he saw Riley panicking.

"You have to leave. Now." Riley said simultaneously as reaching for Kai’s other hand.

"What ?"

"They’ll arrest you if you stay but you can still get away. Just go, I’ll cover your tracks for as long as I can but I need you to go now !" She didn’t look 100% confident about her plan but still tried to sound as convincing as possible.

"Riley..." Kai started shaking her head.

Riley knew this was a bad idea. She knew the consequences this could have on her life, but at this moment she honestly couldn’t care any less and all she had in mind was to help someone she loves.

"You never would’ve been in this mess if i hadn’t dragged you into this in the first place. I can’t let you get arrested, this is my fault." Her voice was shaking now.

She felt responsible for everything that had happened today, and she was not about to let her friend get arrested knowing she had something to do with it.

"It’s not ! Stop blaming yourself, I took this job, those people died because of me, I never should’ve done that." Kai tried to argue when she was interrupted by Mac who decided to step up.

"Riley, she’s right. You know it" He said with sad eyes that she couldn’t bear looking at right now so she focused her gaze on her friend’s, completely ignoring Mac’s presence because she knew he could and would make her feel better and about this whole situation and it was the last thing she wanted. What she wanted was to be blamed for her mistakes. What she wanted was to save her friend.

"I never should’ve gotten us into the collective. It is my fault." she insisted.

"And you already went to jail for that. And you protected me and Peyton from it. You already paid for your mistakes, and now it’s my turn to pay for mine."

Riley couldn’t argue with that. She knew nothing she could say would convince Kai to run away. She knew it was the best thing to do. She just had to accept it.

"I’m sorry" she said as Kai pulled her into a hug. Riley held her tightly and repeated "I am so sorry" and her voice broke at the words.

Kai’s first instinct was to hug her tighter before she shook her head.

"Don’t be. You already saved my life"

Riley huffed a laugh that sounded almost too much like a sob.

"You’re out of your mind. I ruined your fucking life". 

Kai pulled away and held her friend by the shoulders to make her look at her.

"You didn’t. Hey you didn’t. Those were my decisions. Stop with the whole butterfly effect thing. I knew what I was doing and I chose to do it anyway. Don’t blame yourself for that".

She pulled her back into another hug and Riley stopped fighting the tears that were threatening to fall.

"I love you"

"I love you too. Will you come visit me ?"

"Of course I will"

"And could you...you know"

"Get you pork buns ? anything for my sis"

They both laughed and didn’t let go, holding on to this moment for a few more seconds, both knowing it would soon be over.

They were still hugging when some agents came to arrest Kai, but Mac came in between them and the two girls and gave the agents a look to tell them to stand down, and let Riley say goodbye.

"Alright" Kai said as she pulled away "I’ll see you soon ?" She added whilst she was cupping both of her friends cheeks and brushing off her fallen tears.

"I promise"

She gave her another smile before turning to the agents and raising her hands in surrender.

Riley forced herself not to look away as she saw them putting her friend into handcuffs, and tried to take deep breaths while she was remembering her own arrest that was so long ago. It almost felt like a lifetime ago, but at the same time she remembered it as if it happened yesterday.

She could still remember how it felt to be tackled to the ground whilst praying for her friends to get away before the police could find them too.

How it felt to be treated like she was worthless, more like an animal than a human being.

How it felt to be dragged into a cell.

To be stuck and haunted by her mind, her regrets, her anxiety and her loneliness.

She remembers how it felt to fall asleep every night, terrified of what could happenwhile she was asleep.

How it felt to feel so powerless and knowing no one would believe her over the abusive police officer that haunted her nights.

She felt so overwhelmed by all those memories that she didn’t immediately feel Mac hand on her shoulder before he started patting it.

She looked away from the car that was carrying her old friend to lock eyes with him.

She suddenly felt safe again, and could finally breathe.

"Do you wanna talk about it ?"

She shook her head and hesitated for a second before adding with a voice so small showing how vulnerable she was at that moment "can you just hold me ?"

Without any hesitation he immediately pulled her into his embrace, wrapped his arms around her waist tightly and she buried her face in the crook of his neck.

They stayed that way for a few minutes when Mac pulled away and said "Come on, let’s go home". He took off his jacket and put in on her shoulders before guiding her to his car, his hand never leaving the small of her back. 

And if Riley was being honest, she was so grateful for the physical contact that reminded her of her surroundings, that she was here with him, not back in there and that he wouldn’t let her go.

Her thoughts drifted back to her friend as she bit the inside of her cheek to stop herself from crying.

The drive back home was quiet, as quiet as it could be considering they were both dealing with their inner demons but are both way too stubborn and afraid to bother the other to actually talk to each other about it. 

She knew she could talk to him about anything, but right now it was just too much. Kai and Peyton coming back into her life, Peyton turning out to be working with the enemy, Kai being arrested and so many painful memories from her past that came back to haunt her.

Mac on the other hand, refused to admit himself something was wrong to even begin with.

He had just lost his dad, and now he had just killed Lasky. A human being. An innocent person. A husband..A father. He took the life of someone’s father.

He didn’t want to mourn his dad. Didn’t want to accept he wasn’t okay. Didn’t want to feel that pain, that loss all over again. The same pain he felt when his dad left when he was still a kid.

He couldn’t allow himself to feel that kind of pain again. He simply couldn’t.

Mac pulled over just as they arrived home but didn’t get out of the car. Neither did Riley.

His gaze seemed unfocused, as if he were lost in his thoughts.

Riley glanced at him just as he finally spoke up "I killed someone today."

She looked away from him, decided to look forward just as he did before placing her hand on his, and said "I know, so did I."

He turned his face to look at her in confusion but she didn’t meet his gaze. Simply kept looking at Mac’s house in front of them. Their house.

"What are you talking about ?"

"You didn’t pull that lever on your own. I pulled it with you from the moment i wrote Nemesis. My code is what caused everything that happened today"

"Riley you didn’t kill anyone, this isn’t your fault" He said shaking his head.

She finally met his gaze and her eyes were sparkling with her tears.

"But it is though" her voice broke.

"You’re not that person anymore Riles. You can’t keep letting the decisions of your past define your present."

She’d already heard that speech from her friend’s mouth. She didn’t want be let off the hook so easily. It didn’t seem fair. Didn’t feel fair.

"You know" Mac spoke again and she met his eyes again "A wise man once said to me, if you look back, you’ll lose yourself"

She chuckled through her tears and said "Are you really comparing Jack’s stolen movie quotes to wisdom ?"

"Pretty sure he stole it from Game of thrones or something so yeah I am" he huffed a laugh as well.

She smiled sadly as she thought of Jack "Really wish he were here right now"

"Yeah, me too. At least we have each other right ?" His eyes were full of something she hadn’t seen since his dad died.

She gave his hand a squeeze and said "Always."

"Come on, the last one who gets to the house has to make dinner"

He said before suddenly getting out of the car and rushing towards the front door.

"Hey ! That’s cheating I wasn’t ready !!"

Their laughter filled the neighborhood and washed over this cold night before it turned into Mac’s complaints as he was cooking about how unfair it was of him to have to cook when he had won fairly without cheating.

Their inner demons didn’t haunt them again for the rest of the night. And the worst thing Riley had to worry about was food poisoning considering how awful Mac’s cooking has always been.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you liked it ! Let me know your thoughts <33


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